Healing

I started this blog last night, with the title "Pain", because for nine months in 2010 I experienced the worse pain of my life. But this morning I woke up and went about my day without much soreness at all. As I finished my morning walk, God put on my heart what I need to remember about 2010 is the healing.

A physical therapist named Melissa explained to me in April that my pelvis was shifted, all my muscles running across it were strained. We would try to readjust and they would teach me how to strengthen the muscles, but I would likely have to deal with it the rest of my life.

This to a woman that is noted as too busy, involved in everything, did not come easy. I left that day in extreme pain (readjustment is not fun) and a heavy heart not understanding how this could be at all good as God promises.

Weeks turned into months and about the time I thought I was "healed", pain would come again. After my first relapse in July, I started to take responsibility for my own healing. Instead of only doing exercises at therapy, I did them at home. I saw them as a necessity to avoid the pain. Determination got me up early to walk and stretch. I was happy without pain and grateful I was no longer stuck on the couch, but a bit frustrated that this had become my life. When we prayed for healing, I was thinking a miracle. Take the pain away without my effort. That's what I needed.

Then November came. With defeat in my heart, tears in my eyes and pain in my hips, I went back to therapy again.

As soon as Melissa checked me out, she shook her head. "I can't believe it. You're aligned. It's working."

Peace filled my heart as she explained my pain was from not stretching my hip flexers and could be cured with exercises and ultrasound. Three weeks later I was free from the discomfort and pain. God showed me He had healed me, but now it's my job to maintain my muscles.

Our spiritual life is like that. God is the one that saves us, but He expects us to maintain our relationship with Him. If we don't read the Bible, spend time in prayer and fellowship with believers, we will end up in that same pit He found us in. Though we think it doesn't affect us, each time drains us a little more, starts to defeat us. If only we would stay connected with Him, we would skip so much pain.

I woke up this morning glad it wasn't raining so I could go walking. When the cold wind bit at my nose and ears, I praised Him for the nice warm house I could go back to in just two more laps. As I stretched my muscles, I thanked God for how far He's brought me, thankful that He took the time to teach me a greater appreciation for my family and friends through my hardships. In so many ways He did a miracle in my life...and it was better than I could have hoped for.

The Stench

A friend was in town tonight for her annual trip to Pechanga Indian Casino that she takes every year on her birthday. I felt the need to escape my home that is filled with germs and catch up with her, so I ventured out.

After a few hours of hanging out and losing a dollar at penny slots, I left for home. The moment I stepped into the fresh air I realized I stunk of smoke. I tried to ignore it on the way home, but all I could think was how I smelled that way all growing up and it never bothered me. Smoking was the fad back then, like Starbucks is today. My parents smoked as did most of my friends' parents. Even when I was in my twenties and still at home, I didn't smell it on me because I was living in it. Tonight I had to roll down the window and couldn't wait to get home to shower because the odor was so strong.

It's been a hard couple weeks for my family financially, emotionally and now physically. It's frustrating to be an adult and still feel like I don't have it all together. Literally living week to week seeing if God will provide financially, pouring my heart into ministry wondering if God will bless it, caring for my family the best I can and feeling like there's nothing I can do to make them better. So, the past few days, I've been taking a walk down memory lane... remembering days long ago when I made poor choices on purpose and things seemed to work out, how the pain seemed less when I chose ungodly ways to relief it, and when there was less stress in my life because I didn't care as much about others.

But as I drove home tonight, God brought to my mind the stench of my past sins. The pain, regret, separation from Him and loved ones. I was sickened by the thoughts I entertained just yesterday.

You don't live there anymore, God reminded me. Your heart is now with me.

I read my Bible today instead of grumbling and complaining to myself. When stress arose about my daughter's physical condition, I found the humor in it so I wouldn't dwell on it. I called a friend to pray for me instead of acting like I have it all together. Tomorrow we still won't have much money in our account, my daughter will probably still have spots all over her and my husband will be coughing away (and I might too for that matter), but I know my God will never leave or forsake me. I'm choosing a better life now, free from sin. Just as I can take a shower to wash the smoke smell from me, my Jesus died on the cross, washing me in His blood so that I might be right with Him.

And a life lived with Him is a life lived in victory.

God's Little Goalie

For some reason, Noah got it in his head he wanted to be goalie. So, he spent all week convincing his coach (that would be Jeff) he was the best one for the job. Today before the game I watched Jeff work with him, giving him tips and teaching him to drop kick. Jeff returned frustrated because Noah wasn't listening to his advice. My advice to Jeff was "Tell him to obey you or he doesn't get to be goalie!" (I was in a get-to-the-point kind-of mood - did I mention it was 8:30am?)

Becca and I arrived a few minutes before the game began. There was Noah on the field, goalie jersey on and a grin from ear-to-ear. He bounced over to me, excited that he could be goalie. I wrapped my arms around him and prayed out loud for him, that God would keep him safe, help him to remember the words of his coach and help him do his best. After kissing me on the cheek, he returned to his post, still smiling.

I was on the end of my seat and in prayer the first three quarters. There was my little guy (yes, he is the smallest on the team) in front of a huge goal with seven big boys all focused on kicking a soccer ball as hard as they could at him! I wanted him to succeed, but was so nervous for him. Being the natural defender he is, Noah was usually at the top of the box, occasionally leaving it! I found myself screaming his full name as he chased the ball outside the box. I wanted to tell him what to do, but he was too far away. All I could only watch and pray.

God put on my heart tonight that parenting is like that. We train them in His Word and in His ways as they grow, but for our kids to really own their faith, there is a point at which all we can do is watch and pray. I would have played goalie differently. I would have been safely inside the box, focused on protecting the goal. Noah, being the driven guy he is, was focused on winning the game. He did everything he could to get the ball to his teammates so they could score. And score they did - three goals! Not one ball got passed Noah, probably because there were a few angels in the goal box even when he wasn't.

I asked the coach after the second quarter if Noah should be so far away from the goal.
"He's doing what I told him" was my husband's response. Oh, how much better would we do in life if we did what our Father told us to do! To the outsider it may seem crazy, but we need to remember He always has a plan.

Noah had a smile on his face for the entire game. He found joy and success in doing what his father told him to do. And I had a smile knowing that though I'm his mom, His God loves him more and will never leave or forsake him. Slowly my job is shifting from teaching and leading to praying and watching. It's not easy, but it is very rewarding when he does what we've taught him.

A New Beginning - Phil 1:1-6

Scripture reading: Philippians 1:1-6

...being confident of this, he who began a good work in you will carry it on to the completion until the day of Christ Jesus. v.6

I remember the day I accepted Christ. I was almost 15, attending Youth Camp. The Thursday night service included a message of salvation. There was a silhouette of an outstretched hand, the pounding of nails and reminder of my sins. I knew I owed my life to God for all He had done for me. My youth leader prayed with me to accept Christ.

That night when I went to bed, I remember thinking my life was going to be different now. Not because of what I had done, but because of what He wanted to do.

I'm mostly packed, ready to go off to my yearly Women's Retreat. God has a new work He wants to do in me. It's out of my comfort zone, but I've learned over the past 22 years that the feeling of joy and completion comes when I do my Father's will. I'll teach, I'll lead and I'll be filled. And once again, I'll lay my life down at His feet, knowing "He who began a good work" will be faithful to complete it.

How about you? What good work has God started in Your life?

Sept. 14 - Day 76: Old Enemies

Scripture: 2 Sam 21:15-22
"The Philistines again waged war against Israel. David went down with his soldiers, and they fought the Philistines, but David became exhausted." v.15

Goliath is long gone, but his kin are still around and are a throne in David's flesh, leaving him exhausted from fighting them.

It's after 10pm and my day has been non stop since 7:15 am. I know David's exhaustion...and I know the pain of dealing with those reoccurring giants. Finances have been a giant for us for 9 years, since we made the decision one of us would stay at home and raise our kids. Our Goliath came 3 years ago, but we conquered him. So, it is much to my disappointment that his kin now seems determined to ruin us. I wanted to celebrate the fact that we had enough money for gas today, but I'm tired of the struggle, the worry, the issue lack of money has become. At 6pm I read this devotion (on the soccer field) and realized I'm not alone. David, a man after God's heart, was there. God hasn't forgotten us...He still leading us. I just have to keep looking forward instead of behind me.

Thank you God for the struggles, for it's in those times that You are most powerful, and I can be victorious with Your help. Thank you for gas money, and food to last the week. Thank you that you give us what we need, just in time. I love you.

How about you? Is there a giant raising it's head in your life? Share with us and then as Beth suggested, thank God for it. It's there for a reason. We don't necessarily need to know the reason, we just need to believe God has our best interests at heart.

Growing Through the Pain

It was about four months ago now that the pain came. I didn't "do" anything, or maybe I did too much, but the excruciating pain returned. The doctor only wanted to prescribe drugs, but I insisted on physical therapy. That is when the rollercoaster began.

I haven't wrote about it, maybe because I didn't want it to be my reality. But very quickly I realized I could do next to nothing. Some days the drugs took the edge off, other days all I could do was cry. But my God is so good, He never left me. And He taught me some pretty incredible lessons.

I learned how to accept help. Cleaning was impossible for months and hosting two Bible Studies a week left me with a problem. God placed it on my heart to say YES to whatever help was offered, so I did. What a blessing, though humbling, it was.

God showed me how to slow down. Couch time became a necessity. For someone that spends little time at home, I spent as much time as possible at home. Snuggling with the little girl, play cards with the boy, lifted my spirits and made them feel special.

I realized the importance of training children well. My kids never complained or even questions the extra things I asked of them (and they don't even receive allowance). Whenever I ask them to bend over to pick something up (bending is bad for me), they answer "Sure Mom". Their love and giving hearts filling me with joy.

I came to recognize Jeff as my partner. I still can't go grocery shopping alone, or touch the laundry. Jeff just slipped in where the need was. He also became my prayer partner. Realizing he could do nothing to stop the pain, he turned to the Lord, praying for me and over me. Our relationship has grown more in the past 4 months than it did our first 4 years of marriage. God is doing a mighty work.

So, that's the rock I'm been hiding under. It's covered with pain on the outside, but inside, it's transforming me. I still pray tomorrow will be the day I will be well, but I don't mind it so much now. I finally see all the good He is doing in me. It's definitely worth it.

A Good Friday

They say it was a Friday that Jesus made His way to the cross. All day I've thought about Him, making that walk. After being beaten, he continued on, carrying His cross. He was God, but man, so He felt the pain and suffering. And yet He endured it, for me, for all of mankind. How?

No doubt He did it in prayer. He knew it was in God's strength that He needed to carry on. I think so often in life that is the key we are missing. We wonder how we will get through another day at our job or marriage. We wonder how we can handle the pain of rejection or physical pain. We can't imagine living through the lay-off, foreclosure, death of a loved one...when the truth is, maybe we can't. Maybe we will only survivor it with God. Maybe only by crying out to Him, moment by moment, asking for His strength to press on.

Notice God provided for Jesus, every step of the way. Someone to carry His cross, the face of His mother and the love of a brother, a stranger to stand up for Him when He was being ridiculed. Did you know God desires to do the same for you? A friend to pray with, a rainbow to cheer up your day, maybe the love of your child to melt your heart of stone. But we may need to take the first step. WE might need to call (or text) a friend when we need prayer. We might need to take the time to look up to see His glory in the sky. We may need to scoop our child into our lap and squeeze them tight.

Jesus died on the cross so we could have a personal relationship with Him. That doesn't happen unless WE seek Him through prayer and His word. It's not easy, I'll be the first to admit. And there will still be "You've got to be kidding me!" days. But, the blessings will come, and when they do, how sweet they are. So, I encourage you, my brothers and sisters in Christ, remember this Good Friday, the power of the Cross. There is nothing in this world you need to go through alone. All God asks is for you reach out to Him...He is already reaching out for you.

Time for Change

Journals and journals I have are filled with springs of depression...sometimes in March, often in April, nevertheless, paralyzing days and nights of fear, hopelessness and despair. Those that don't know me well may be surprised because I do believe I hide it well. My brothers and sisters in Christ have stood in the gap for me several times in the past few years as I have realized this is a spiritual battle. And my husband has come along side me as I have become determined to fight it-and win.

Three years ago, I thought it would be the end of me. The truth is, although I cried out to God for help, I wasn't doing anything to help myself. Honestly, I was waiting for a miracle. After decades of suffering from depression, I just wanted Him to banish it forever. My God is big, and I knew it was possible. I remember driving with the kids in the car one day, tears streaming down my face, pleading with Him to just take it away. He answered me, but not in the way I expected. He told me His grace was sufficient. He would help me, never leave me, but not take it away.

It was time to be honest, with myself and with my husband. As we talked that night I shared my deep, dark thoughts. We talked of my depression, but this was the first time I shared the depth of it, which had grown over the 10 years we'd known each other. The fear in his eyes reassured me it was time to seek help.

First it was the help of our pastor we sought. He listened and knew the right questions to ask and when he spoke, I had no doubt it was from the Lord. My hardest times where around Halloween and Easter, time of high spiritual activity. I could be more sensitive to the battles raging on in the spiritual realm.

It seems to make sense because the past few years have very hard and I'm closer to God than ever before. Two years ago I felt physically ill on Halloween. Such a darkness came over me this fall that I did seek help in medication. Amazingly it offered instant relief but after time, began exhausting me. Within a month I felt confirmation from the Lord to quit taking it and sure enough, all was well again.

But here I am, two weeks 'til Easter and it raised it's ugly head two days ago. Yet I praise God because I felt it coming. Anger and frustration began to build up inside me and about the time my mind began the negative self talk, I recognized what was happening. Last night I fought with my wonderful husband for no reason, yet recognized why after the fact. He embraced me in forgiveness as he prayed for me. Today I've started to cry for no reason at least four times, but I as I stood on the truth of God's love for me, His perfect plan, His protection, it faded away.

I've lived with depression for about 30 years. Yes, there have been times I thought it would never end. Yes, there have been times I thought I couldn't make it. But I know that is not the plan of my God. His plan for me is for a hope and future. His plans are for me to prosper and not fail. I don't believe this fight is over, but I'm hanging on to the hand of God, knowing His grace is sufficient. After all, He's already won the battle, so I stand at a place of victory. It's about time I started to fight like it.

Inspiration

It's been a month of just be-ing. It started with an accident that just seems so not right, taking the life of a friend my age. I wanted to write about it, but there were no words to describe the sadness, disbelief. My life was put back into perspective...God, husband, kids. At the end of the day, it matters first what I've done for them. After pondering, I reconstructed my day, my life, to show my priorities. Home schooling comes before work, husband before chores. God meets with me in the morning and with me and my hubby before bed. Even writing seemed so much less important.

So, one week turned into two and two into three and the only action my keyboard got was typing work emails and posting on Facebook. Stress crept back into my life. Jeff saw the signs, sore back, my broken out face and aching jaw, and graciously pointed it out to me. As I relunctantly prayed about it, God reminded me I had walked away from my stress reliever - writing.

"But I'm not inspired." I argued.

And He so gently spoke to my heart, "But it's what I've made you for."

Oh. Is that why it decreases my stress level? Is that why I feel so happy, so whole when I pour my heart onto paper? Is that why Satan tries to distract me from it with a hundred other tasks? I get it.

If you'll excuse me, I'll be about God's business...writing. Maybe that novel I started some 16 years ago is a good place to start.

A Perfect Life

Six years ago I was convinced my life was perfect. I had a supportive husband, a smart two and a half year old boy and finally our family was complete with a healthy little girl. I didn't like my job, but I had good friends, a nice home and attended church regularly. All was well.

Until three weeks later, that is. Suddenly I found myself having a heated argument with the man I loved. I couldn't believe some of the things that were said. I felt such bitterness and anger inside. I felt so attacked. Not knowing what to do, I turned to God, asking Him why such hurtful words would come out of my husband's mouth.

The answer I got was not expected. "Because they are true." It was then that I realized I had stopped abiding in my Father. I made my kids number one priority in my life, my job second, husband third with God trailing behind. The bitterness and anger came from not having a right relationship with God. My life was completely out of balance, and falling apart.

On that day, I placed God back at the head of my life. It took a lot of effort, and God's help, to restore my husband to second place with my kids slipping into third. That's when I relaized how great life truly could be. I have a loving husband that adores me and our children are growing in the Lord every day. Now I DO love my job, but it has it's place after my family and God. If I happen to miss a morning of reading the Word, I crave it until I open it. My husband prays with me and for me, we study the Bible together and with our kids. And though each day seems perfect in someways, as I abide in my Father, the next day is just as grand. I have put my trust and energy into what matters, and He has blessed me for it.

Reminders

Stress brought on my first serious pain just after turning thirty. Shingles, they call it, which to me meant a little spot and a whole lot of pain. When the doctor identified the foreign rash on my lower back the pain had not yet begun. Armed with antibiotics and pain pills it hit that night, like nothing I've even experienced. A result of allowing the stress of my job consume me.

My second pain was caused five years later by stupidity. In a hurry I lifted a cooler with 20+ pounds of ice without bending my knees. Within 20 minutes the pain was excruciating and it took over 20 days to heal (that was my summer on the sofa). I was trying to do too much, too fast.

To this day, when I get stressed out, my shingles spot hurts. And, you guessed it, if I do too much lifting, pulling or sometimes even sitting, the muscle I pulled aches. Usually I mutter "I'm old" or "I'm falling apart" and most of the time, God reminds me of the truth.

You overdo it. You need to take time to rest.
Don't worry about tomorrow...trust Me to take care of you.

So, I'll take the reminders He's given me. I'll pray and let go of my stress. I'll remember even I need a break and my family needs me to spend time with them. And I'll praise God for the reminders. Without them, I would have missed out on the peace found in relying on Him and the joy of family time.

The Valley

I approached with hesitation, fear in my steps and mind. I did not want to go through the valley, but I knew it was inevitable. I had seen the chasm from afar and tried to alter my course. I read the Word, turned up my Christian music to drown out the undesirable thoughts. When none of that worked, I warned my husband of what was ahead. I sought prayer support from my sisters in Christ. Though I examined the path that led me to this place in an attempt to find an alternative course, it was too late. I had already arrived.

Since I have traveled through the valley many times, I knew with God’s help I would arrive at the other side, yet I feared the journey. The pain seemed unbearable and the hurt undesirable. And of course there was uncertainty of how long this journey would take. My strength depleted from trying to escape the crossing, I surrendered myself and the situation to God.

Slowly, very slowly, peace filled my soul. As I began to inhale again, thanking God for this unexpected serenity, He brought Psalm 23 to mind. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death” (Psalm 23:4). I nodded in agreement with David. Yes, I know what it’s like to walk through that valley. Reality is clouded and my life feels threatened. But the rest of the verse came to me, gently convicting me. “I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” I knew God would get me through it, but I had forgotten He was with me. He wasn’t waiting at the end, or cheering me on from afar. He was beside me, holding my hand. What did I have to fear?

Synonyms for death include end, ruin, downfall, demise. Have you ever faced a valley of death? Perhaps when you found out the company was folding and your job was no more? Maybe when a loved one called with news of a horrible illness, or perhaps the moment the doctor delivered bad news. Do you feel your lungs tightening daily as you open your mailbox or when the phone rings and you choose not to answer it, knowing you have no money for the bills that need to be paid? God doesn’t promise that our situations won’t be hard, or even that we won’t hurt. His promise is to be with us, in all circumstances. Only when we focus on Him will fear be cast out.
I know another gorge is in my future. The time and duration is unknown to me. My certainty is that my Father will be my shepherd, guiding me all the way. My focus needs to be on Him, not on the evil around me.

“Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” (Psalm 23:6)

For Such a Time

It was only two short years ago that I got the call from Jeff as I was driving with the kids. "I got the job at Starbucks." It had been 5 months since we had received a salary of any kind. We took a step of faith, knowing God wanted us to home school, and suddenly we were both without employment.

My heart rejoiced at the call, and then as I passed the phone to the kids for him to tell them, reality set in. How could we live on little more than minimum wage? Noah hung up the phone and began praising God for our answered prayer. That's when God whispered to my heart, "You're in my will. I'll take care of you."

Jeff is at a management recruitment meeting as I type. It seems intended for those already in management, but he went to show he wants to move up. He's ready for the next step.

My heart is filled with the familiar anxiety, my eyes with tears and a lump in my throat. "Lord, could it be time? Will it finally happen? What if it doesn't?"

God brought to mind the story of Esther, when her uncle reminds her she was made for such a time. Regardless of the outcome of tonight, I will praise my God. He has developed my husband into a leader, at work but most importantly at home. I would love to work less, have the bills paid and see my husband rise in the company. But without a doubt, His hand is upon our life. There's no place I'd rather be.

Faithfulness leads to Fruitfulness

You have to love Sunday School lessons that repeat the point at least 20 times in hopes of cementing it into their brains and hearts. The point of today's lesson about Paul was "Faithfulness leads to fruitfulness".

First I needed to define our terms, then we read through and interpreted the scriptures. And every fifth sentence, I'm reminding the children that "faithfulness leads to fruitfulness".

The lesson went well, they paid attention for the most part and were even somewhat engaged. As I was coming up on my last phrase, God opened my eyes to an amazing sight. There in front of me was my beautiful 8 year old son, Noah, who loves God's word with such passion he reads ahead in his Bible because he can't get enough. And behind him stood my handsome husband, my provider, protector, my spiritual leader. They had been in the room the whole time, but as I spoke my last "Faithfulness provides fruitfulness" God showed me that the faithfulness of myself and my husband is producing amazing fruit in our children.

There are days (including today) that I would have rather stayed home and been about my housework and writing rather than go to church. There are nights that I'm so tired when I sit down on the couch I don't want to get up (or I don't have time to sit!), let alone read and interpret the Bible to my children. But it is being faithful to God in all things, big and small, that are having a lasting effect on our children. And I do believe God's blessing will include our children becoming godly adults and raising godly children themselves.

Wouldn't you do anything for your children? Then start today, by being 100% faithful to God.

What I Learned in 2009

“Remember the former things, those of long ago;
I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me.” Isaiah 46:9

As I reflected on 2009, without a doubt there are several incidents I would prefer to forget. Remind me of the happy times, but leave the hard times behind. That is when God showed me this verse and I realized He wants me to remember the past according to what He has done for me or taught me. When I took that perspective, He taught me -

• Wisdom and grace in the first year of my job as an ES
• Patience in teaching another child with Becca for preK
• Contentment by celebrating 10 years of marriage with lunch and a movie
• Happiness with season passes to Disneyland
• Rest with a pulled muscle and my first four weeks of summer vacation on the couch
• Reliance on Him by doing four 3 day craft festivals, home schooling and working full time
• Rejoicing in the school success of my little guy
• Provision in getting through the summer financially without a July paycheck
• Forgiveness and mercy when I spoke without thinking on many occasions
• Faith through studying the life of the apostle Paul
• Humility in reaching out to others in my time of need
• Endurance through times of depression
• Maturity through reading His Word and spending time with Him
• Love from the devotion of my husband
• Success in finishing and revising my first novel I started 15 years ago
• Peace while snuggling with my children
• Hope as I began my second year as an ES
• Comfort in the arms of my husband
• Service through dedication to Children’s and Women’s Ministry
• Amazement in watching my baby learn how to read and write
• Sacrifice in choosing to Home School my children
• Kindness through my sisters in Christ
• Wealth in family time together
• Pure joy in being His child and being called according to His purpose

Good times, hard times, sad times, I will carry all I have gained into this new year. I encourage you to make your list and remember all your God has done for you.