The Stench

A friend was in town tonight for her annual trip to Pechanga Indian Casino that she takes every year on her birthday. I felt the need to escape my home that is filled with germs and catch up with her, so I ventured out.

After a few hours of hanging out and losing a dollar at penny slots, I left for home. The moment I stepped into the fresh air I realized I stunk of smoke. I tried to ignore it on the way home, but all I could think was how I smelled that way all growing up and it never bothered me. Smoking was the fad back then, like Starbucks is today. My parents smoked as did most of my friends' parents. Even when I was in my twenties and still at home, I didn't smell it on me because I was living in it. Tonight I had to roll down the window and couldn't wait to get home to shower because the odor was so strong.

It's been a hard couple weeks for my family financially, emotionally and now physically. It's frustrating to be an adult and still feel like I don't have it all together. Literally living week to week seeing if God will provide financially, pouring my heart into ministry wondering if God will bless it, caring for my family the best I can and feeling like there's nothing I can do to make them better. So, the past few days, I've been taking a walk down memory lane... remembering days long ago when I made poor choices on purpose and things seemed to work out, how the pain seemed less when I chose ungodly ways to relief it, and when there was less stress in my life because I didn't care as much about others.

But as I drove home tonight, God brought to my mind the stench of my past sins. The pain, regret, separation from Him and loved ones. I was sickened by the thoughts I entertained just yesterday.

You don't live there anymore, God reminded me. Your heart is now with me.

I read my Bible today instead of grumbling and complaining to myself. When stress arose about my daughter's physical condition, I found the humor in it so I wouldn't dwell on it. I called a friend to pray for me instead of acting like I have it all together. Tomorrow we still won't have much money in our account, my daughter will probably still have spots all over her and my husband will be coughing away (and I might too for that matter), but I know my God will never leave or forsake me. I'm choosing a better life now, free from sin. Just as I can take a shower to wash the smoke smell from me, my Jesus died on the cross, washing me in His blood so that I might be right with Him.

And a life lived with Him is a life lived in victory.