They say it was a Friday that Jesus made His way to the cross. All day I've thought about Him, making that walk. After being beaten, he continued on, carrying His cross. He was God, but man, so He felt the pain and suffering. And yet He endured it, for me, for all of mankind. How?
No doubt He did it in prayer. He knew it was in God's strength that He needed to carry on. I think so often in life that is the key we are missing. We wonder how we will get through another day at our job or marriage. We wonder how we can handle the pain of rejection or physical pain. We can't imagine living through the lay-off, foreclosure, death of a loved one...when the truth is, maybe we can't. Maybe we will only survivor it with God. Maybe only by crying out to Him, moment by moment, asking for His strength to press on.
Notice God provided for Jesus, every step of the way. Someone to carry His cross, the face of His mother and the love of a brother, a stranger to stand up for Him when He was being ridiculed. Did you know God desires to do the same for you? A friend to pray with, a rainbow to cheer up your day, maybe the love of your child to melt your heart of stone. But we may need to take the first step. WE might need to call (or text) a friend when we need prayer. We might need to take the time to look up to see His glory in the sky. We may need to scoop our child into our lap and squeeze them tight.
Jesus died on the cross so we could have a personal relationship with Him. That doesn't happen unless WE seek Him through prayer and His word. It's not easy, I'll be the first to admit. And there will still be "You've got to be kidding me!" days. But, the blessings will come, and when they do, how sweet they are. So, I encourage you, my brothers and sisters in Christ, remember this Good Friday, the power of the Cross. There is nothing in this world you need to go through alone. All God asks is for you reach out to Him...He is already reaching out for you.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Time for Change
Journals and journals I have are filled with springs of depression...sometimes in March, often in April, nevertheless, paralyzing days and nights of fear, hopelessness and despair. Those that don't know me well may be surprised because I do believe I hide it well. My brothers and sisters in Christ have stood in the gap for me several times in the past few years as I have realized this is a spiritual battle. And my husband has come along side me as I have become determined to fight it-and win.
Three years ago, I thought it would be the end of me. The truth is, although I cried out to God for help, I wasn't doing anything to help myself. Honestly, I was waiting for a miracle. After decades of suffering from depression, I just wanted Him to banish it forever. My God is big, and I knew it was possible. I remember driving with the kids in the car one day, tears streaming down my face, pleading with Him to just take it away. He answered me, but not in the way I expected. He told me His grace was sufficient. He would help me, never leave me, but not take it away.
It was time to be honest, with myself and with my husband. As we talked that night I shared my deep, dark thoughts. We talked of my depression, but this was the first time I shared the depth of it, which had grown over the 10 years we'd known each other. The fear in his eyes reassured me it was time to seek help.
First it was the help of our pastor we sought. He listened and knew the right questions to ask and when he spoke, I had no doubt it was from the Lord. My hardest times where around Halloween and Easter, time of high spiritual activity. I could be more sensitive to the battles raging on in the spiritual realm.
It seems to make sense because the past few years have very hard and I'm closer to God than ever before. Two years ago I felt physically ill on Halloween. Such a darkness came over me this fall that I did seek help in medication. Amazingly it offered instant relief but after time, began exhausting me. Within a month I felt confirmation from the Lord to quit taking it and sure enough, all was well again.
But here I am, two weeks 'til Easter and it raised it's ugly head two days ago. Yet I praise God because I felt it coming. Anger and frustration began to build up inside me and about the time my mind began the negative self talk, I recognized what was happening. Last night I fought with my wonderful husband for no reason, yet recognized why after the fact. He embraced me in forgiveness as he prayed for me. Today I've started to cry for no reason at least four times, but I as I stood on the truth of God's love for me, His perfect plan, His protection, it faded away.
I've lived with depression for about 30 years. Yes, there have been times I thought it would never end. Yes, there have been times I thought I couldn't make it. But I know that is not the plan of my God. His plan for me is for a hope and future. His plans are for me to prosper and not fail. I don't believe this fight is over, but I'm hanging on to the hand of God, knowing His grace is sufficient. After all, He's already won the battle, so I stand at a place of victory. It's about time I started to fight like it.
Three years ago, I thought it would be the end of me. The truth is, although I cried out to God for help, I wasn't doing anything to help myself. Honestly, I was waiting for a miracle. After decades of suffering from depression, I just wanted Him to banish it forever. My God is big, and I knew it was possible. I remember driving with the kids in the car one day, tears streaming down my face, pleading with Him to just take it away. He answered me, but not in the way I expected. He told me His grace was sufficient. He would help me, never leave me, but not take it away.
It was time to be honest, with myself and with my husband. As we talked that night I shared my deep, dark thoughts. We talked of my depression, but this was the first time I shared the depth of it, which had grown over the 10 years we'd known each other. The fear in his eyes reassured me it was time to seek help.
First it was the help of our pastor we sought. He listened and knew the right questions to ask and when he spoke, I had no doubt it was from the Lord. My hardest times where around Halloween and Easter, time of high spiritual activity. I could be more sensitive to the battles raging on in the spiritual realm.
It seems to make sense because the past few years have very hard and I'm closer to God than ever before. Two years ago I felt physically ill on Halloween. Such a darkness came over me this fall that I did seek help in medication. Amazingly it offered instant relief but after time, began exhausting me. Within a month I felt confirmation from the Lord to quit taking it and sure enough, all was well again.
But here I am, two weeks 'til Easter and it raised it's ugly head two days ago. Yet I praise God because I felt it coming. Anger and frustration began to build up inside me and about the time my mind began the negative self talk, I recognized what was happening. Last night I fought with my wonderful husband for no reason, yet recognized why after the fact. He embraced me in forgiveness as he prayed for me. Today I've started to cry for no reason at least four times, but I as I stood on the truth of God's love for me, His perfect plan, His protection, it faded away.
I've lived with depression for about 30 years. Yes, there have been times I thought it would never end. Yes, there have been times I thought I couldn't make it. But I know that is not the plan of my God. His plan for me is for a hope and future. His plans are for me to prosper and not fail. I don't believe this fight is over, but I'm hanging on to the hand of God, knowing His grace is sufficient. After all, He's already won the battle, so I stand at a place of victory. It's about time I started to fight like it.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Inspiration
It's been a month of just be-ing. It started with an accident that just seems so not right, taking the life of a friend my age. I wanted to write about it, but there were no words to describe the sadness, disbelief. My life was put back into perspective...God, husband, kids. At the end of the day, it matters first what I've done for them. After pondering, I reconstructed my day, my life, to show my priorities. Home schooling comes before work, husband before chores. God meets with me in the morning and with me and my hubby before bed. Even writing seemed so much less important.
So, one week turned into two and two into three and the only action my keyboard got was typing work emails and posting on Facebook. Stress crept back into my life. Jeff saw the signs, sore back, my broken out face and aching jaw, and graciously pointed it out to me. As I relunctantly prayed about it, God reminded me I had walked away from my stress reliever - writing.
"But I'm not inspired." I argued.
And He so gently spoke to my heart, "But it's what I've made you for."
Oh. Is that why it decreases my stress level? Is that why I feel so happy, so whole when I pour my heart onto paper? Is that why Satan tries to distract me from it with a hundred other tasks? I get it.
If you'll excuse me, I'll be about God's business...writing. Maybe that novel I started some 16 years ago is a good place to start.
So, one week turned into two and two into three and the only action my keyboard got was typing work emails and posting on Facebook. Stress crept back into my life. Jeff saw the signs, sore back, my broken out face and aching jaw, and graciously pointed it out to me. As I relunctantly prayed about it, God reminded me I had walked away from my stress reliever - writing.
"But I'm not inspired." I argued.
And He so gently spoke to my heart, "But it's what I've made you for."
Oh. Is that why it decreases my stress level? Is that why I feel so happy, so whole when I pour my heart onto paper? Is that why Satan tries to distract me from it with a hundred other tasks? I get it.
If you'll excuse me, I'll be about God's business...writing. Maybe that novel I started some 16 years ago is a good place to start.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
A Perfect Life
Six years ago I was convinced my life was perfect. I had a supportive husband, a smart two and a half year old boy and finally our family was complete with a healthy little girl. I didn't like my job, but I had good friends, a nice home and attended church regularly. All was well.
Until three weeks later, that is. Suddenly I found myself having a heated argument with the man I loved. I couldn't believe some of the things that were said. I felt such bitterness and anger inside. I felt so attacked. Not knowing what to do, I turned to God, asking Him why such hurtful words would come out of my husband's mouth.
The answer I got was not expected. "Because they are true." It was then that I realized I had stopped abiding in my Father. I made my kids number one priority in my life, my job second, husband third with God trailing behind. The bitterness and anger came from not having a right relationship with God. My life was completely out of balance, and falling apart.
On that day, I placed God back at the head of my life. It took a lot of effort, and God's help, to restore my husband to second place with my kids slipping into third. That's when I relaized how great life truly could be. I have a loving husband that adores me and our children are growing in the Lord every day. Now I DO love my job, but it has it's place after my family and God. If I happen to miss a morning of reading the Word, I crave it until I open it. My husband prays with me and for me, we study the Bible together and with our kids. And though each day seems perfect in someways, as I abide in my Father, the next day is just as grand. I have put my trust and energy into what matters, and He has blessed me for it.
Until three weeks later, that is. Suddenly I found myself having a heated argument with the man I loved. I couldn't believe some of the things that were said. I felt such bitterness and anger inside. I felt so attacked. Not knowing what to do, I turned to God, asking Him why such hurtful words would come out of my husband's mouth.
The answer I got was not expected. "Because they are true." It was then that I realized I had stopped abiding in my Father. I made my kids number one priority in my life, my job second, husband third with God trailing behind. The bitterness and anger came from not having a right relationship with God. My life was completely out of balance, and falling apart.
On that day, I placed God back at the head of my life. It took a lot of effort, and God's help, to restore my husband to second place with my kids slipping into third. That's when I relaized how great life truly could be. I have a loving husband that adores me and our children are growing in the Lord every day. Now I DO love my job, but it has it's place after my family and God. If I happen to miss a morning of reading the Word, I crave it until I open it. My husband prays with me and for me, we study the Bible together and with our kids. And though each day seems perfect in someways, as I abide in my Father, the next day is just as grand. I have put my trust and energy into what matters, and He has blessed me for it.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Reminders
Stress brought on my first serious pain just after turning thirty. Shingles, they call it, which to me meant a little spot and a whole lot of pain. When the doctor identified the foreign rash on my lower back the pain had not yet begun. Armed with antibiotics and pain pills it hit that night, like nothing I've even experienced. A result of allowing the stress of my job consume me.
My second pain was caused five years later by stupidity. In a hurry I lifted a cooler with 20+ pounds of ice without bending my knees. Within 20 minutes the pain was excruciating and it took over 20 days to heal (that was my summer on the sofa). I was trying to do too much, too fast.
To this day, when I get stressed out, my shingles spot hurts. And, you guessed it, if I do too much lifting, pulling or sometimes even sitting, the muscle I pulled aches. Usually I mutter "I'm old" or "I'm falling apart" and most of the time, God reminds me of the truth.
You overdo it. You need to take time to rest.
Don't worry about tomorrow...trust Me to take care of you.
So, I'll take the reminders He's given me. I'll pray and let go of my stress. I'll remember even I need a break and my family needs me to spend time with them. And I'll praise God for the reminders. Without them, I would have missed out on the peace found in relying on Him and the joy of family time.
My second pain was caused five years later by stupidity. In a hurry I lifted a cooler with 20+ pounds of ice without bending my knees. Within 20 minutes the pain was excruciating and it took over 20 days to heal (that was my summer on the sofa). I was trying to do too much, too fast.
To this day, when I get stressed out, my shingles spot hurts. And, you guessed it, if I do too much lifting, pulling or sometimes even sitting, the muscle I pulled aches. Usually I mutter "I'm old" or "I'm falling apart" and most of the time, God reminds me of the truth.
You overdo it. You need to take time to rest.
Don't worry about tomorrow...trust Me to take care of you.
So, I'll take the reminders He's given me. I'll pray and let go of my stress. I'll remember even I need a break and my family needs me to spend time with them. And I'll praise God for the reminders. Without them, I would have missed out on the peace found in relying on Him and the joy of family time.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
The Valley
I approached with hesitation, fear in my steps and mind. I did not want to go through the valley, but I knew it was inevitable. I had seen the chasm from afar and tried to alter my course. I read the Word, turned up my Christian music to drown out the undesirable thoughts. When none of that worked, I warned my husband of what was ahead. I sought prayer support from my sisters in Christ. Though I examined the path that led me to this place in an attempt to find an alternative course, it was too late. I had already arrived.
Since I have traveled through the valley many times, I knew with God’s help I would arrive at the other side, yet I feared the journey. The pain seemed unbearable and the hurt undesirable. And of course there was uncertainty of how long this journey would take. My strength depleted from trying to escape the crossing, I surrendered myself and the situation to God.
Slowly, very slowly, peace filled my soul. As I began to inhale again, thanking God for this unexpected serenity, He brought Psalm 23 to mind. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death” (Psalm 23:4). I nodded in agreement with David. Yes, I know what it’s like to walk through that valley. Reality is clouded and my life feels threatened. But the rest of the verse came to me, gently convicting me. “I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” I knew God would get me through it, but I had forgotten He was with me. He wasn’t waiting at the end, or cheering me on from afar. He was beside me, holding my hand. What did I have to fear?
Synonyms for death include end, ruin, downfall, demise. Have you ever faced a valley of death? Perhaps when you found out the company was folding and your job was no more? Maybe when a loved one called with news of a horrible illness, or perhaps the moment the doctor delivered bad news. Do you feel your lungs tightening daily as you open your mailbox or when the phone rings and you choose not to answer it, knowing you have no money for the bills that need to be paid? God doesn’t promise that our situations won’t be hard, or even that we won’t hurt. His promise is to be with us, in all circumstances. Only when we focus on Him will fear be cast out.
I know another gorge is in my future. The time and duration is unknown to me. My certainty is that my Father will be my shepherd, guiding me all the way. My focus needs to be on Him, not on the evil around me.
“Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” (Psalm 23:6)
Since I have traveled through the valley many times, I knew with God’s help I would arrive at the other side, yet I feared the journey. The pain seemed unbearable and the hurt undesirable. And of course there was uncertainty of how long this journey would take. My strength depleted from trying to escape the crossing, I surrendered myself and the situation to God.
Slowly, very slowly, peace filled my soul. As I began to inhale again, thanking God for this unexpected serenity, He brought Psalm 23 to mind. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death” (Psalm 23:4). I nodded in agreement with David. Yes, I know what it’s like to walk through that valley. Reality is clouded and my life feels threatened. But the rest of the verse came to me, gently convicting me. “I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” I knew God would get me through it, but I had forgotten He was with me. He wasn’t waiting at the end, or cheering me on from afar. He was beside me, holding my hand. What did I have to fear?
Synonyms for death include end, ruin, downfall, demise. Have you ever faced a valley of death? Perhaps when you found out the company was folding and your job was no more? Maybe when a loved one called with news of a horrible illness, or perhaps the moment the doctor delivered bad news. Do you feel your lungs tightening daily as you open your mailbox or when the phone rings and you choose not to answer it, knowing you have no money for the bills that need to be paid? God doesn’t promise that our situations won’t be hard, or even that we won’t hurt. His promise is to be with us, in all circumstances. Only when we focus on Him will fear be cast out.
I know another gorge is in my future. The time and duration is unknown to me. My certainty is that my Father will be my shepherd, guiding me all the way. My focus needs to be on Him, not on the evil around me.
“Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” (Psalm 23:6)
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
For Such a Time
It was only two short years ago that I got the call from Jeff as I was driving with the kids. "I got the job at Starbucks." It had been 5 months since we had received a salary of any kind. We took a step of faith, knowing God wanted us to home school, and suddenly we were both without employment.
My heart rejoiced at the call, and then as I passed the phone to the kids for him to tell them, reality set in. How could we live on little more than minimum wage? Noah hung up the phone and began praising God for our answered prayer. That's when God whispered to my heart, "You're in my will. I'll take care of you."
Jeff is at a management recruitment meeting as I type. It seems intended for those already in management, but he went to show he wants to move up. He's ready for the next step.
My heart is filled with the familiar anxiety, my eyes with tears and a lump in my throat. "Lord, could it be time? Will it finally happen? What if it doesn't?"
God brought to mind the story of Esther, when her uncle reminds her she was made for such a time. Regardless of the outcome of tonight, I will praise my God. He has developed my husband into a leader, at work but most importantly at home. I would love to work less, have the bills paid and see my husband rise in the company. But without a doubt, His hand is upon our life. There's no place I'd rather be.
My heart rejoiced at the call, and then as I passed the phone to the kids for him to tell them, reality set in. How could we live on little more than minimum wage? Noah hung up the phone and began praising God for our answered prayer. That's when God whispered to my heart, "You're in my will. I'll take care of you."
Jeff is at a management recruitment meeting as I type. It seems intended for those already in management, but he went to show he wants to move up. He's ready for the next step.
My heart is filled with the familiar anxiety, my eyes with tears and a lump in my throat. "Lord, could it be time? Will it finally happen? What if it doesn't?"
God brought to mind the story of Esther, when her uncle reminds her she was made for such a time. Regardless of the outcome of tonight, I will praise my God. He has developed my husband into a leader, at work but most importantly at home. I would love to work less, have the bills paid and see my husband rise in the company. But without a doubt, His hand is upon our life. There's no place I'd rather be.
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