Bangs or No Bangs

I have come to believe growing out bangs is a rite of passage for girls. I tried each time I was pregnant (thinking my hair would grow so fast because of prenatal vitamins I won't be bothered by it). Both times within two months I was asking my hairdresser to chop not just my bangs, but the rest of my hair as well.

This school year started out as a slow one, leaving me six students short from the June before. My August paycheck was pathetic, September not much better. The spring before I remember telling a friend how I got my haircut every 5-6 weeks, boasting it was the one thing I did for me. Money was so tight by October I knew there was no way I could justify a haircut. So I found myself often fidgeting with my bangs, looking through them as I typed during meetings with parents. I kept my mind on the important stuff like seeking the sales at grocery stores every week and praying we would somehow come up with the money for car registration in November and money for insurance and property taxes by December. Day after day, week after week, month after month, God provided. New students began to come for me, notary jobs and overtime for Jeff.

In the beginning of December we went to get a family portrait done for Christmas gifts. A few days before the appointment, I studied myself in the mirror and was shocked. My bangs were gone. I realized they were staying behind my ears better and were no longer in my way, but I had no idea how completely grown out they were. Here was something I had considered doing for over 9 years but I couldn't handle that in-between stage. I started wondering what was so different now. Granted I don't spend a ton of time looking in the mirror, but how could I not notice?

As I thought about it through the week I started to see I had been more focused on God than myself. Our financial situation had left us waiting on the Lord. He had become more important and myself less. I took the opportunity when work was slow to edit my manuscript and focus on the gift of writing God blessed me with. The person I saw in the mirror every morning was not of my concern - what was happening inside to my heart and spirit was.

When I finally made it to get a haircut in January, I decided I didn't want bangs. Not that I necessarily liked myself without them, but that it was a testimony to my heart of God's faithfulness. This week my student count is almost doubled from what I started the school year. The provisions are abundant. And as we are planning pictures for my website, I've been trying to decide which I like better - with bangs or without.

I changed the photographs out in my house this week. The wall that was filled with Becca pictures because it was her birthday got changed to our family portrait from three years ago. The hardest year of our lives, but the smiles on our faces tell of the peace that was in our hearts from the Lord providing. And I had bangs. The two family portraits are on walls facing each other, a reminder that God doesn't just provide financially but also cares about making our dreams come true.

I go to get my haircut on Tuesday and undoubtedly she will ask, "What are we doing?" Yesterday I decided to chop off my bangs, tonight I've braided my hair and am liking it. Now I realize, it's not about the hair. I can get done whatever I want to it. What really matters is the condition of my heart.

A New Chapter

It's time to start a new chapter in my life. When the realization of this hit me yesterday, I was filled with sadness and a little fear. As a writer I know a new chapter means conflict, and conflict often involves pain or frustration.

I've been comfortable being in charge of Children's Ministry. I know kids, teaching, curriculum, dealing with parents. I can do that. But this new ministry to which God is calling me is something I'm so unsure of. The thought of speaking His truth to strangers and sharing my heart with people I don't know makes me feel nauseous. I don't know what conflicts I might face and I'm not certain I will have the answers. It's a scary place to be.

Then today I spoke with a friend who told me she was so excited to start a new chapter in her life. She is looking forward to all the good times and the change it will bring. I realized how right she was. Maybe this chapter will reveal more about my character, grow me in ways I never imagined, bring blessings beyond my belief.

There will be conflict, but the Lord promises to work all things for my good. There will be uncertainty, but He will give me wisdom. And there will be happy times and hard times to share with others and blessings I don't deserve. Unfortunately I don't know the ending, but it gives me peace to know He's already written it...and it is for His glory and my good.