Bangs or No Bangs

I have come to believe growing out bangs is a rite of passage for girls. I tried each time I was pregnant (thinking my hair would grow so fast because of prenatal vitamins I won't be bothered by it). Both times within two months I was asking my hairdresser to chop not just my bangs, but the rest of my hair as well.

This school year started out as a slow one, leaving me six students short from the June before. My August paycheck was pathetic, September not much better. The spring before I remember telling a friend how I got my haircut every 5-6 weeks, boasting it was the one thing I did for me. Money was so tight by October I knew there was no way I could justify a haircut. So I found myself often fidgeting with my bangs, looking through them as I typed during meetings with parents. I kept my mind on the important stuff like seeking the sales at grocery stores every week and praying we would somehow come up with the money for car registration in November and money for insurance and property taxes by December. Day after day, week after week, month after month, God provided. New students began to come for me, notary jobs and overtime for Jeff.

In the beginning of December we went to get a family portrait done for Christmas gifts. A few days before the appointment, I studied myself in the mirror and was shocked. My bangs were gone. I realized they were staying behind my ears better and were no longer in my way, but I had no idea how completely grown out they were. Here was something I had considered doing for over 9 years but I couldn't handle that in-between stage. I started wondering what was so different now. Granted I don't spend a ton of time looking in the mirror, but how could I not notice?

As I thought about it through the week I started to see I had been more focused on God than myself. Our financial situation had left us waiting on the Lord. He had become more important and myself less. I took the opportunity when work was slow to edit my manuscript and focus on the gift of writing God blessed me with. The person I saw in the mirror every morning was not of my concern - what was happening inside to my heart and spirit was.

When I finally made it to get a haircut in January, I decided I didn't want bangs. Not that I necessarily liked myself without them, but that it was a testimony to my heart of God's faithfulness. This week my student count is almost doubled from what I started the school year. The provisions are abundant. And as we are planning pictures for my website, I've been trying to decide which I like better - with bangs or without.

I changed the photographs out in my house this week. The wall that was filled with Becca pictures because it was her birthday got changed to our family portrait from three years ago. The hardest year of our lives, but the smiles on our faces tell of the peace that was in our hearts from the Lord providing. And I had bangs. The two family portraits are on walls facing each other, a reminder that God doesn't just provide financially but also cares about making our dreams come true.

I go to get my haircut on Tuesday and undoubtedly she will ask, "What are we doing?" Yesterday I decided to chop off my bangs, tonight I've braided my hair and am liking it. Now I realize, it's not about the hair. I can get done whatever I want to it. What really matters is the condition of my heart.

A New Chapter

It's time to start a new chapter in my life. When the realization of this hit me yesterday, I was filled with sadness and a little fear. As a writer I know a new chapter means conflict, and conflict often involves pain or frustration.

I've been comfortable being in charge of Children's Ministry. I know kids, teaching, curriculum, dealing with parents. I can do that. But this new ministry to which God is calling me is something I'm so unsure of. The thought of speaking His truth to strangers and sharing my heart with people I don't know makes me feel nauseous. I don't know what conflicts I might face and I'm not certain I will have the answers. It's a scary place to be.

Then today I spoke with a friend who told me she was so excited to start a new chapter in her life. She is looking forward to all the good times and the change it will bring. I realized how right she was. Maybe this chapter will reveal more about my character, grow me in ways I never imagined, bring blessings beyond my belief.

There will be conflict, but the Lord promises to work all things for my good. There will be uncertainty, but He will give me wisdom. And there will be happy times and hard times to share with others and blessings I don't deserve. Unfortunately I don't know the ending, but it gives me peace to know He's already written it...and it is for His glory and my good.

Healing

I started this blog last night, with the title "Pain", because for nine months in 2010 I experienced the worse pain of my life. But this morning I woke up and went about my day without much soreness at all. As I finished my morning walk, God put on my heart what I need to remember about 2010 is the healing.

A physical therapist named Melissa explained to me in April that my pelvis was shifted, all my muscles running across it were strained. We would try to readjust and they would teach me how to strengthen the muscles, but I would likely have to deal with it the rest of my life.

This to a woman that is noted as too busy, involved in everything, did not come easy. I left that day in extreme pain (readjustment is not fun) and a heavy heart not understanding how this could be at all good as God promises.

Weeks turned into months and about the time I thought I was "healed", pain would come again. After my first relapse in July, I started to take responsibility for my own healing. Instead of only doing exercises at therapy, I did them at home. I saw them as a necessity to avoid the pain. Determination got me up early to walk and stretch. I was happy without pain and grateful I was no longer stuck on the couch, but a bit frustrated that this had become my life. When we prayed for healing, I was thinking a miracle. Take the pain away without my effort. That's what I needed.

Then November came. With defeat in my heart, tears in my eyes and pain in my hips, I went back to therapy again.

As soon as Melissa checked me out, she shook her head. "I can't believe it. You're aligned. It's working."

Peace filled my heart as she explained my pain was from not stretching my hip flexers and could be cured with exercises and ultrasound. Three weeks later I was free from the discomfort and pain. God showed me He had healed me, but now it's my job to maintain my muscles.

Our spiritual life is like that. God is the one that saves us, but He expects us to maintain our relationship with Him. If we don't read the Bible, spend time in prayer and fellowship with believers, we will end up in that same pit He found us in. Though we think it doesn't affect us, each time drains us a little more, starts to defeat us. If only we would stay connected with Him, we would skip so much pain.

I woke up this morning glad it wasn't raining so I could go walking. When the cold wind bit at my nose and ears, I praised Him for the nice warm house I could go back to in just two more laps. As I stretched my muscles, I thanked God for how far He's brought me, thankful that He took the time to teach me a greater appreciation for my family and friends through my hardships. In so many ways He did a miracle in my life...and it was better than I could have hoped for.

The Stench

A friend was in town tonight for her annual trip to Pechanga Indian Casino that she takes every year on her birthday. I felt the need to escape my home that is filled with germs and catch up with her, so I ventured out.

After a few hours of hanging out and losing a dollar at penny slots, I left for home. The moment I stepped into the fresh air I realized I stunk of smoke. I tried to ignore it on the way home, but all I could think was how I smelled that way all growing up and it never bothered me. Smoking was the fad back then, like Starbucks is today. My parents smoked as did most of my friends' parents. Even when I was in my twenties and still at home, I didn't smell it on me because I was living in it. Tonight I had to roll down the window and couldn't wait to get home to shower because the odor was so strong.

It's been a hard couple weeks for my family financially, emotionally and now physically. It's frustrating to be an adult and still feel like I don't have it all together. Literally living week to week seeing if God will provide financially, pouring my heart into ministry wondering if God will bless it, caring for my family the best I can and feeling like there's nothing I can do to make them better. So, the past few days, I've been taking a walk down memory lane... remembering days long ago when I made poor choices on purpose and things seemed to work out, how the pain seemed less when I chose ungodly ways to relief it, and when there was less stress in my life because I didn't care as much about others.

But as I drove home tonight, God brought to my mind the stench of my past sins. The pain, regret, separation from Him and loved ones. I was sickened by the thoughts I entertained just yesterday.

You don't live there anymore, God reminded me. Your heart is now with me.

I read my Bible today instead of grumbling and complaining to myself. When stress arose about my daughter's physical condition, I found the humor in it so I wouldn't dwell on it. I called a friend to pray for me instead of acting like I have it all together. Tomorrow we still won't have much money in our account, my daughter will probably still have spots all over her and my husband will be coughing away (and I might too for that matter), but I know my God will never leave or forsake me. I'm choosing a better life now, free from sin. Just as I can take a shower to wash the smoke smell from me, my Jesus died on the cross, washing me in His blood so that I might be right with Him.

And a life lived with Him is a life lived in victory.

God's Little Goalie

For some reason, Noah got it in his head he wanted to be goalie. So, he spent all week convincing his coach (that would be Jeff) he was the best one for the job. Today before the game I watched Jeff work with him, giving him tips and teaching him to drop kick. Jeff returned frustrated because Noah wasn't listening to his advice. My advice to Jeff was "Tell him to obey you or he doesn't get to be goalie!" (I was in a get-to-the-point kind-of mood - did I mention it was 8:30am?)

Becca and I arrived a few minutes before the game began. There was Noah on the field, goalie jersey on and a grin from ear-to-ear. He bounced over to me, excited that he could be goalie. I wrapped my arms around him and prayed out loud for him, that God would keep him safe, help him to remember the words of his coach and help him do his best. After kissing me on the cheek, he returned to his post, still smiling.

I was on the end of my seat and in prayer the first three quarters. There was my little guy (yes, he is the smallest on the team) in front of a huge goal with seven big boys all focused on kicking a soccer ball as hard as they could at him! I wanted him to succeed, but was so nervous for him. Being the natural defender he is, Noah was usually at the top of the box, occasionally leaving it! I found myself screaming his full name as he chased the ball outside the box. I wanted to tell him what to do, but he was too far away. All I could only watch and pray.

God put on my heart tonight that parenting is like that. We train them in His Word and in His ways as they grow, but for our kids to really own their faith, there is a point at which all we can do is watch and pray. I would have played goalie differently. I would have been safely inside the box, focused on protecting the goal. Noah, being the driven guy he is, was focused on winning the game. He did everything he could to get the ball to his teammates so they could score. And score they did - three goals! Not one ball got passed Noah, probably because there were a few angels in the goal box even when he wasn't.

I asked the coach after the second quarter if Noah should be so far away from the goal.
"He's doing what I told him" was my husband's response. Oh, how much better would we do in life if we did what our Father told us to do! To the outsider it may seem crazy, but we need to remember He always has a plan.

Noah had a smile on his face for the entire game. He found joy and success in doing what his father told him to do. And I had a smile knowing that though I'm his mom, His God loves him more and will never leave or forsake him. Slowly my job is shifting from teaching and leading to praying and watching. It's not easy, but it is very rewarding when he does what we've taught him.

A New Beginning - Phil 1:1-6

Scripture reading: Philippians 1:1-6

...being confident of this, he who began a good work in you will carry it on to the completion until the day of Christ Jesus. v.6

I remember the day I accepted Christ. I was almost 15, attending Youth Camp. The Thursday night service included a message of salvation. There was a silhouette of an outstretched hand, the pounding of nails and reminder of my sins. I knew I owed my life to God for all He had done for me. My youth leader prayed with me to accept Christ.

That night when I went to bed, I remember thinking my life was going to be different now. Not because of what I had done, but because of what He wanted to do.

I'm mostly packed, ready to go off to my yearly Women's Retreat. God has a new work He wants to do in me. It's out of my comfort zone, but I've learned over the past 22 years that the feeling of joy and completion comes when I do my Father's will. I'll teach, I'll lead and I'll be filled. And once again, I'll lay my life down at His feet, knowing "He who began a good work" will be faithful to complete it.

How about you? What good work has God started in Your life?

Sept. 14 - Day 76: Old Enemies

Scripture: 2 Sam 21:15-22
"The Philistines again waged war against Israel. David went down with his soldiers, and they fought the Philistines, but David became exhausted." v.15

Goliath is long gone, but his kin are still around and are a throne in David's flesh, leaving him exhausted from fighting them.

It's after 10pm and my day has been non stop since 7:15 am. I know David's exhaustion...and I know the pain of dealing with those reoccurring giants. Finances have been a giant for us for 9 years, since we made the decision one of us would stay at home and raise our kids. Our Goliath came 3 years ago, but we conquered him. So, it is much to my disappointment that his kin now seems determined to ruin us. I wanted to celebrate the fact that we had enough money for gas today, but I'm tired of the struggle, the worry, the issue lack of money has become. At 6pm I read this devotion (on the soccer field) and realized I'm not alone. David, a man after God's heart, was there. God hasn't forgotten us...He still leading us. I just have to keep looking forward instead of behind me.

Thank you God for the struggles, for it's in those times that You are most powerful, and I can be victorious with Your help. Thank you for gas money, and food to last the week. Thank you that you give us what we need, just in time. I love you.

How about you? Is there a giant raising it's head in your life? Share with us and then as Beth suggested, thank God for it. It's there for a reason. We don't necessarily need to know the reason, we just need to believe God has our best interests at heart.